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Say Coach Ron Wilson, Can You Comment On The Leafs' Last Couple Of Games?

Wilson-ron-leafs-392-080610

"Well, I think things have been getting better.  Grabbo certainly has picked up his game and has had some success.  Kuli's been finding the net too.  I've been very happy all season with how Schennie's been playing, and the same goes for Clarkie McCarkie.  Kessy-poo has struggled a bit but I'm not worried about him.  Silly Goostavson has stepped up to the challenge in Jiggy's absense.  In a few weeks we'll have Sexy Dion back and we'll look to moving up in the Conference."

Changing Words To Bullshit Words Do Not Change Their Meaning

Was just reading an article about the Toronto Maple Leafs that contained this quote:

"The bulk of going to the net — which now is called having a net-front presence – will lie on the shoulders of 6-foot-3, 200-pound winger Luca Caputi."

Now here's a quote from me to anyone who actually talks like that:

"Blow me."

I'm sorry, make that: 

"Kindly make with some dick-front presence."

For the benefit of the sensitive ladies in charge of such decisions, here are some suggestions for additional changes:

  • Icing the puck could be called a "whoopsie doo!"
  • A 5-minute fighting major penalty could be called "a 300 second post-quibble sit-down"
  • A penalty-kill could be called a "self-inflicted disadvantage" (or, alternatively: "trouble-time")
  • The referees could be called the "Procedural and Regulatory Officers"
  • Commentator Pierre McGuire could be called "Grating Chrome-headed Prick"

I swear to god, if I start hearing the TV people saying "net-front presence".....well, I am going to start watching football.