Velveteen Ballsac, Customer Service Expert Extraordinaire
Got a customer complaint at work today. Someone wrote in to bitch because the ice machine went on the fritz the other night and we didn't have ice for drinks for a short spell.
Hi John,
Please review the guest concern below.
This is a very disconcerting email to receive… Did we run out of ice? If so, why?
Can you please contact this guest via phone and offer passes for compensation.
Please investigate his claims and email me with what you find and what steps are put in place to resolve these issues.
Thanks,
Billy LeBeef, Director of Operations │ Movie Theatre Place Limited
500000 Yonge Street │ Toronto, ON │ M22 6ZZ │
P 519-555-7801 │ C 416-555-9511 │ F 902-555-4246 │
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Hi Beefer:
I was very disconcerted to learn that you were disconcerted that a person had the balls to write an email to cry about the horrors he encountered, having to face a Coke without ice. He must have been very disconcerted indeed!
Rest assured, I have conducted a full investigation. I toyed with the idea of phoning the police (as soda sans ice is obviously a crime), but instead set myself to the task. First, I dedicated a full hour to sitting and pondering the issue. HOW could this have happened...and why?
Having started my movie theatre career 20 years ago (you know, when you were 2 years old) I have, needless to say, seen a lot of caper films. Using tactics from some good detective pictures I've viewed, I first smoked a few cigarettes and downed a couple of coffees. Then, I paced in a circular manner for a good 3/4 of an hour.
After a while things started to come into focus. I remembered that I was actually on-duty that night. I further remembered that the ice machine had stopping working at one point. When this happened I was perplexed and stymied; how could a 45 year old piece of equipment not function flawlessly? In a blind panic, I switched the ice machine from "ON" to "OFF", then back to "ON" again. At that point, like some sort of miracle, the machine began to work once again.
To be completely honest, at the time I was incapable of getting passes from the safe and distributing them to all 800 people in attendance (despite the fact that, naturally, everyone should be compensated with a free admission worth up to $13 each for the inconvenience of the absence of free frozen water)...
No, I was unable to do so as I was in a total tizzy from the entire experience and when I get in a tizzy, I get all gassy and tend to sweat (not the best state to appease customers in).
Anyhow....yes, I will forward this person 20 passes and well as a wet wad of Kleenex as proof for them of how much I have agonized over this.
As for what steps we should take to prevent such a tragedy from repeating itself:
I suggest that we whore out your mother to raise money to purchase a new ice machine. Should we say...what, $50/blowjob? Ohhhh wait, I suppose you take after your dad, which would make him the blowjob pro, yeah? Is he available?
You're Welcome,
John
