NBC fired Conan because of his poor rating vs. when Leno hosted it, yeah?

CHECK IT...

Showering doesn't take all that long for me because I have a baldy shaved head, so I don't have any shampoo-time.  I'm not losing my hair or anything like that; I didn't shave it off out of shame.  No man, before I shaved it I was rockin' a faux-hawk!  But I knew I would look totally hot with a baldy head.  Just like I did with the faux-hawk.  I don't mind that 5 out of every 6 guys has a shaved head these days.  I still feel unique.

Anyway, the time saved on shampooing balances out nicely the extra time I need to put into maintaining my microbeard.  I need to take an hour each morning with a razor and tweezers to keep up my Sharpie-drawn-along-my-jawline-from-ear-to-ear look.

Once I finish all my grooming, I get dressed.  I save time here too because I just wear slight variations of the same outfit everyday.  Usually I'll just wear a wife-beater (white or black).  If not that, then I'll wear a t-shirt that is a size too small and has all kinds of gaudy silver and gold looking shit on it.  No matter which shirt I choose, I don't need sleeves cuz both my arms are completely tattooed, so it looks like I've already got on green and blue sleeves.  So I'm fuckin' sorted there.

I put on any old pair of pants (any kind of pants go with a wife-beater or a black t-shirt).  I make sure I get at least one gold chain around my neck and put on one of my watches that are so big they look like a shiny metal box turtle stuck to my wrist.  Lastly, the toughest decision of the day:  my white-rimmed sunglasses, or my Oakley's  (triangular lenses)...?

I head down to the car:  a tricked-out Honda Civic with neon under-lights, a totally sick spoiler and a fuckin' supremo custom exhaust tip (so I can entertain everyone for blocks around with its mighty, high-pitched whine).  Before I get on the road I make sure I stick my Bluetooth ear-piece in.  I'm just that fucking important.

I head out for the highway.  I start blaring some sick dance tracks.  I don't have a girl with me or anything...I actually enjoy dance music. 

I drive to the very end of the on-ramp, whether the whole right-lane is wide open or not.  I absolutely, 100% CANNOT stay in one lane for more than 20 seconds;  I MUST change lanes repeatedly, otherwise people might think I'm a pussy.  And I don't use my signals.  I invented the "pass everyone by using the off-ramp lane and then force-merge back on" maneuver.  

Then I get to work.

After work, I head over to Tim Horton's to hang out in the parking lot with a bunch of dudes just like me.  We just hang out with our Civics and Acuras and shit.

I say things like: "epic" and "no worries" and "yo".  

I bump fists at least 30 times a day.

So yeah.  That's me.

I'm pretty much.....a complete fucking douchebag.

I guess I'm like this because.........well, because of my dick.  

It's like a pink Chapstick with a purple lid.