Velveteen’s Funstuff © -


Spock's cuttin' a nasty one, 

Kirk is goin' "Wheeeeeew!" about it,

And Uhura is goin' "What did you say?"

i Will Never Be An iDiot

You know me....Google and Android all the way.

I am not a fan of Apple.  Yes, I respect their innovations, particularly the iPod, but otherwise the arrogance and blind ignorance that I associate with them puts me right off.  

"Hello, I'm an Apple"

"And I'm a PC and go fuck yourself."

"But...Apple computers are great for creating graphics and stuff!"

"Who are you, Bob Pixar?  Suck it."

Everyone thinks they're a computer animator.  You're not.  You're a nerd.  And a goof.

ANYWAY....

This latest fuckjob Apple's found themselves in with regards to their piece of shit iPhone 4, what with it's whole "not working right" thing, has really got me smiling.  I love Steve Job's damage control, too.  First he tells his customers that it's their fault (sounds like something I would do), then offers free cases, the value of which are probably < $1.00.

Apple is such a behemoth that I'm sure nothing can sink them, least of all this latest snafu, but any bad press for them makes my day.  (especially since I am Team Android, in case I didn't mention)

Here's a great vid that illustrates Apple-heads' herd-like mentality...

* full disclosure: One of my friends, Allison P. posted this on her f-book today, so props to her!

Velveteen Ballsac, Customer Service Expert Extraordinaire

Got a customer complaint at work today.  Someone wrote in to bitch because the ice machine went on the fritz the other night and we didn't have ice for drinks for a short spell.

 
My boss received the complaint via email and sent to me.  Here's our correspondence...
 
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi John,

Please review the guest concern below.

This is a very disconcerting email to receive… Did we run out of ice? If so, why?

Can you please contact this guest via phone and offer passes for compensation.

Please investigate his claims and email me with what you find and what steps are put in place to resolve these issues.


Thanks,

Billy LeBeef, Director of Operations │ Movie Theatre Place Limited

500000 Yonge Street │ Toronto, ON │ M22 6ZZ │

P 519-555-7801 │ C 416-555-9511 │ F 902-555-4246 │

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi Beefer:

I was very disconcerted to learn that you were disconcerted that a person had the balls to write an email to cry about the horrors he encountered, having to face a Coke without ice.  He must have been very disconcerted indeed!

Rest assured, I have conducted a full investigation.  I toyed with the idea of phoning the police (as soda sans ice is obviously a crime), but instead set myself to the task.  First, I dedicated a full hour to sitting and pondering the issue.  HOW could this have happened...and why?

Having started my movie theatre career 20 years ago (you know, when you were 2 years old) I have, needless to say, seen a lot of caper films.  Using tactics from some good detective pictures I've viewed, I first smoked a few cigarettes and downed a couple of coffees.  Then, I paced in a circular manner for a good 3/4 of an hour.

After a while things started to come into focus.  I remembered that I was actually on-duty that night.  I further remembered that the ice machine had stopping working at one point.  When this happened I was perplexed and stymied; how could a 45 year old piece of equipment not function flawlessly?  In a blind panic,  I switched the ice machine from "ON" to "OFF", then back to "ON" again.  At that point, like some sort of miracle, the machine began to work once again.

To be completely honest, at the time I was incapable of getting passes from the safe and distributing them to all 800 people in attendance (despite the fact that, naturally, everyone should be compensated with a free admission worth up to $13 each for the inconvenience of the absence of free frozen water)...

No, I was unable to do so as I was in a total tizzy from the entire experience and when I get in a tizzy, I get all gassy and tend to sweat (not the best state to appease customers in).

Anyhow....yes, I will forward this person 20 passes and well as a wet wad of Kleenex as proof for them of how much I have agonized over this.

As for what steps we should take to prevent such a tragedy from repeating itself:

 I suggest that we whore out your mother to raise money to purchase a new ice machine.  Should we say...what, $50/blowjob?  Ohhhh wait, I suppose you take after your dad, which would make him the blowjob pro, yeah?  Is he available?

You're Welcome, 

John

 

I Spy With My Little Eye...

In the little "About Me" section on the right-hand pane of this site, I've always had the part that says "I am a motion picture exhibition facility engineer", which is just an extravagant way of saying I am a movie cinema manager. Mundane and pretty much...a crap job.

Several months ago I added "I am also a spy" in the descriptor. Of course, this too is just an exaggerated job title for my side-job, the official title of which is "Field Researcher". "Spy" and "Field Researcher" are both over the top titles for what the job actually entails, which is taking pictures of the event-boards in certain hotels a few times a week. (for research!)

Yeah. "Field Researcher". Whatever.

Anyway, I've been doing this Picture-Taker job for almost a year now. It's easy money and it doesn't take long. It's not very interesting though.

However, yesterday I rolled up to my first hotel and noticed a bunch of strange-types milling around at the side of the hotel, taking pictures of themselves. They stood out because they were all decked out like they were superheroes or something, with costumes and all that shit.

"Ahhhh!" I thought, "Must be a comic-convention happening here today...".

Turns out it wasn't, but it was an Anime convention. Once I entered, I was right in the thick of it. They were all in my way, getting in front of the event-board I needed to snap. But at least I blended in because they were all taking pictures of each others floppy shoes and comical swords and stuff.

There were all kinds of faeries and wizards and people with costumes made of felt and bright white wigs. Here's a couple of pictures, of this person....and this person.

It Ain't Over 'Till The Fat Lady Falls While Dancing And Hurts Her Leg